He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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