this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
