there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Even my vagina gasped.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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