Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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