i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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