At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize