I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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