you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
