I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
