6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
