he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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