I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
