we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
