I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
