Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
