Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
