Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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