I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
