Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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