I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
