Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
