dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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