I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize