either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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