Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
