If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Randomize