The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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