I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
