Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
