Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How external is "for external use only"?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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