You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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