Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
