I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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