Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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