OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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