Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
