I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
