Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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