i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize