I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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