Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize