I hate your face
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
