Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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