so that wasnt chicken after all
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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