I'm laying in your front yard are you home
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
