Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
