vagina is talking i cant
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
