Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
