sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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