If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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