You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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