i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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