I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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