Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
