my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
