How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
