i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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