rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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