Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
