So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
