I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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